Hello Papabear,
I hate my aunts. (all relatives such as aunts and grandparent mentioned here are from my mom’s side). They’re greedy. After grandpa past away in 2015 (or 2016?), they came up with a horrible plan to sabotage his will. They blackmailed my ma and made a lot of her friends believe that she is a greedy backstabber (while she’s not). She lost a lot of people in her life thanks to them. After that happened, her depression worsen. It felt as if the love that my aunts had was a lie. I hate them for it. Then after Grandma died we planned a respectful funeral for her. We payed a lot of fucking money for it. But then, all of a sudden. My aunts buried her their selves, they just tossed her into the dirt like she was nothing! They did it in a way that showed that they don’t care about anyone but themselves. Those motherfuckers. I still get birthday money from them. But, obviously they came from grandpa’s budget. They just drive up to our house, put the cards in the mailbox and hit the gas and fuck out. I hate them so much. I hate them. I don’t care if they die, I don’t care if they suffer. Because, they deserve misfortune after the things they did to us. You may disagree, but I don’t care. I can’t forgive them. I wish I could just beat the shit out of them. Make them feel the pain they gave to us. I know it doesn’t solve anything. But, I don’t forgive those who fuck with my family. Nicholas * * * Hi, Nicholas, Based on what you said, yes, your aunts are horrible people. You might be expecting me--since I write an advice column--to say things like "You should forgive and forget" or "Turn the other cheek." Au contraire. In my opinion, you do not have to forgive them. In fact, there are psychologists out there who would agree with me on this. Now, if your aunts suddenly had a change of heart, made amends, and personally asked for your forgiveness and promised they would never repeat such nasty actions again, then yes, forgive them. But it sounds to me like they have done no such thing, so, yeah, they're a problem. If possible, cut them out of your life. These are what some call "toxic people." Toxic people can damage your health just by being present in your life. Discard them like the garbage they are. OK! THAT said, there is something else important here. In addition to discarding them, you have another more difficult task, which is to let go of your hatred. Hatred doesn't hurt them; it only damages you. And no, do not, obviously, do anything that would land you in prison such as assaulting and killing them. That should go without saying, but just for the record, I'm writing that here. You can already see, I bet, how the fury in your heart is causing you distress, anxiety, even physiological changes such as hypertension that can damage your heart. Are your aunts worth that? No. They are not worth your love and they are not even worth your hatred. They are not worth your valuable time. Let's talk about that birthday money for a moment. Recently, I got married to my new hubby, Michael. We invited friends and family to a little ceremony in Las Vegas. Michael's sister and only sibling, Gayle, did not attend. She said, "I can't go because my pastor is having his retirement party that day." Seriously? So, her pastor is more important than her only brother? Gayle is a very religious, Christian person, who is not happy about her brother being gay. Now, I have met her a couple of times over the last two years, and I thought that she was a pleasant woman at the time. I knew she had, in the past, been uncomfortable about Michael being gay, but I thought she had turned the corner and was now accepting him. Apparently not. The pastor's retirement is not an excuse. She obviously didn't come because in her mind she condemns her own brother for being gay. Anyway, just before we left for Vegas, she swung by with her daughter and handed us a card. It had a $100 gift card in it. Big fucking whoop. I told Michael to throw it out, but instead, he bought a bidet with it. Appropriate. What I'm saying here is that you should not accept money or anything else from your aunts until they change their ways and beg forgiveness. Until then, as I said, cut them out, and that includes any gift cards or cash they send you, which is only their pathetic effort to assuage their own black, guilty hearts. Do everything in your power to remove this filth from your life. Removing their presence, which is a constant reminder to you of what they have done to you and your family, will, over time, make it easier and easier for you to not feel that hatred. Forgetting about them will be a balm for your soul. Just as you would for a troll on the Web, the only way to heal is to block, delete, ignore. Also, occupy your mind with other things; this helps. Do I bother to hate Gayle? No, I actually feel she is pathetic. Neither do I, however, forget or forgive what she did, but I don't think much about it (except as a very good example for teaching people like you about dealing with toxic people). Does this make sense? I hope so. Family members can really suck, can't they? I do not believe in the "blood is thicker than water" idea. You (hopefully) have some members in your family that make you happy and feel loved. Cling to them. The ones who don't are the ones with whom you should not associate. And remember this, too: family is MORE than blood. There are friends in this bear's life that I consider family more than my blood relations on my father's side. Hugs, Papabear
0 Comments
Dear Papabear,
In the week since I broke up with my ex I fell into an old habit. This habit is basically collecting pictures of my first crush and sorting them in a folder on my laptop. Now my first crush was at the young age of seven, and the object of my affection was the fictional character of Molly Macdonald [a character from the PBS cartoon series Arthur]. Now all of that was just exposition. My question concerns events that happened today. So I was sitting in my room listening to music. After a while I had to use the restroom (note that I had left my computer on Spotify). After a few minutes, I got out the john and walked into my room. Immediately, I noticed something was off: The folder with pictures of my first crush was opened. The only other person home was my mom, so I guess she snuck into my room and was searching my laptop, where she saw a folder labeled "Molly" and probably though I got a new girlfriend and got excited or something, until she clicked on it and was met with 659 images of a children's show character. At dinner my mom was extremely quiet, and after dinner I heard her telling my dad about something she found on my computer. I am now extremely worried I may be at least sent to a therapist, as my parents probably think I'm a creep now. I'm sorry if this is an inconvenience, especially considering you helped me last week. Thank you in advance. Sincerely, Davis Butler * * * Hi, Davis, Quick question: were all of these images of Molly G-rated? Thanks, Papabear Dear Papabear, None of the images were NSFW. That’s actually a pretty pointless question as even if there’s no porn it is still incredibly suspect to have 659 images of a 9 yo from an educational show for children. My parents haven’t said anything yet, though my dad handed me the business card for a therapist yesterday. Sincerely, Davis Butler * * * Hi, Davis, It's actually a very relevant question that I needed to ask before giving you a full reply. You do not need a therapist because you like children's cartoons. Pretty much everyone in the furry fandom likes them (my favorite is TaleSpin), and the vast majority of us (LOL) are perfectly sane; millions of mundane adults enjoy cartoons, too; indeed, Japanese culture is full of anime-loving adults, and we all know how popular anime is worldwide. Now, some cartoons are definitely aimed at very young kids (e.g. Teletubbies), but the majority are really for "general audiences," meaning they are suitable for children AND adults. Here is an article as to why many adults like cartoons, even cartoons for little kids. And some people believe it can actually be helpful to adults to watch them. Therapists are for people who are troubled (or just need some professional guidance). If you are having emotional or mental problems, then you go to see a therapist. If you have problems recognizing reality, then you need a psychologist or psychiatrist. But just watching a cartoon does not at all mean you are crazy or unbalanced. Your parents are of the misguided impression that you must stop all childlike behavior at a certain age and be pushed into adulthood and being boring and dutiful etc. etc. They are wrong about that. While it is important to go out into the world and become a productive citizen, that doesn't mean you have to kill the child that remains inside all of us. I don't expect that you can show your parents this email and that it will convince them, so go to the therapist, tell them what's going on, and get them to write a note to your parents that you are not crazy so that Mom and Dad will have written notice from a professional that they shouldn't worry. (If the therapist says you are crazy, then they are a terrible therapist; get a different one). Hope that makes you feel better. Hugs, Papabear * * * Dear Papabear, My parents have nothing wrong with me enjoying something not made for my age group. The problem they have is with having 659 images of a specific character. If I found something like that on one of my friends computers I would also be skeeved out. The reason it’s a little creepy is cause of the number of images. It took months to amass 659 images of Molly Mcdonald. I can see someone thinking I’m a pedo cause of that folder. Sincerely, Davis Butler * * * Well, it's not like you're a stalker, and Molly isn't a real person. If you had that many images of, say, Jody Foster, yeah, that would be creepy. But this is a fictional character, so it is more of a hobby. While I'm here I'll ask: what is it about this character you find so appealing? Papabear * * * Dear Papabear, An explanation of why I am infatuated, obsessed even, with Molly will take some time. As far back as I can remember I have always been attracted to tomboys. Because Molly is a tomboy I developed a crush on her. I developed an obsession with Molly because I have high-functioning autism, and as you probably know, people with this disorder develop obsessions with people, things, even places. Next, I’m like 11, my balls drop, my voice begins cracking, and now I have a fetish for tomboyish bullies. I started the photo collection on a old tablet I had. Next, we jump to when I turned 14. I deleted every nsfw image that was in the folder, as I had just then learned she was only 9; I had thought she was at least 13-14. Next I stopped adding to the folder about a year ago as I got a girlfriend and I actually had something to do besides look a pictures of a fictional girl. Anyway, that’s basically my explanation of why I have an infatuation with Molly. Sincerely, Davis Butler * * * Hi, Davis, Well, okay then. I would think that your parents would understand the obsession possibilities involved with autism, and the Molly thing is certainly consistent with that. From what you are telling me, you are actually very well-balanced. Sure, you had a bit of an obsession (everyone has SOMEthing they are fascinated by on a romantic or sexual level), making you no different from most other people (with me, it's bears, obviously). Furthermore, you got rid of the NSFW stuff when you realized the age thing was a factor (even though Molly isn't real, some people do get in trouble for having anything on their computer resembling child porn, even if it is fictional), you have stopped collecting the art in general, and you are moving on to a relationship with a real girl and realizing that it is better than living in a fantasy world. Even though you two broke up (rare that a first girlfriend turns into a forever love), you are moving into the realm of reality. Heck! I'd say you're doing great! And I think any therapist would agree with me. Here is what I would suggest for you now. Talk to your parents openly about computer use and your privacy. Tell them that while you appreciate they are trying to protect you, spying on you is not acceptable. Instead, there should be an open agreement between you and your parents. Solution: propose to them that they write a computer usage contract https://www.kidguard.com/parents-guide-to-technology/how-to-make-a-computer-usage-contract-with-your-child/. Sometimes, getting things down in writing can calm people down. Tell them what you told me about Molly. Be open and honest with your parents and ask that they do the same for you. At 15, you are old enough to have a more respectful and mature relationship with your parents. You should also acknowledge to them that you understand they love you and are trying to protect you and that you love them right back. Sneaking around is detrimental to any relationship, whether it is between spouses, parents and their children, coworkers, or friends, it is always a bad idea for anyone who is not a government spy LOL. Hope that helps. Good luck! Hugs, Papabear Hey, it's me again.
Bit of an update on my situation. I didn't sign up for meetup, as there were too many things requesting my identity, which I found to be sketchy. Furrymap didn't help, since the guy you pointed out never responded to me even when I messaged him. But that's not the important part. See, loneliness I can deal with. I've at least found a small group of furs (though some are simply transformation enthusiasts) on discord who I sometimes refer to as my "family" simply due to the fact that it's mainly a closely-knit group of people within a small circle, where new people are welcomed but rare. Meanwhile, in real life, my situation is getting worse. My father has become paranoid that his job is potentially going to use his skills (what he does is basically advise other businesses on how to improve their management and working quality) for their own gain, while only treating him as a tool. This leads him to often become stressed, and he will usually isolate himself in the garage and drink a glass of wine and smoke a cigar. One night he was more stressed than usual, and actually managed to get drunk. He then began verbally shouting and insulting both me and my mother, and this is only one of many times he's done something like this. He also tends to act like we (Mom and I) must be subservient to his will, and he'll often berate me for any small mistakes I make, such as when it took me a long time to finish a day's worth of homework, or when I accidentally got a party member killed while playing Icewind Dale with him (it should be noted that in the game you can pay for resurrection, but he's so stingy he'd rather reload every time someone dies.) All his anger stresses Mom, who will often, when stressed, take it out on me. She often snaps at me for minute things, such as if I've forgotten to do something she asked me to, or if I haven't gotten everything I need for school in my backpack together yet. All this stress, compiled with the stress of school in general, makes me begin to feel like I'm about to implode. At this point my only solace is that family on discord, who are never quick to anger and will always provide helpful advice, as well as my boyfriend, who is very much a comforting soul to know (another thing: dad doesn't know about my relationship and he'd flip his shit if he knew). The fact that they (or at least a few members in the server) obviously care for me is what keeps me going and not giving in to my sorrow. But lately things I seem to be getting more extreme in my views. I've often expressed thoughts of physically harming or murdering my parents, mostly my father (though I've never acted on them, much to the relief of me and those that care about me), and I've often expressed desperate pleas for one of the server members to help me make plans for them to kidnap me so I can get away from this town. These attempts have always been met with refusals and declarations that such a thing would be highly illegal, even if I promised my parents that i'd be back someday or somehow threw them off the trail. I wish I could go back to my childhood, when my parents were actually happy together and I wasn't constantly fighting my own psyche. I just don't understand what happened to fuck me up so bad that i'd actually consider murdering parents who may just be trying their best. I just.... I don't know. i don't know what to do, and that scares me.... Sincerely, Feriss (age 16, Michigan) * * * Hi, Feriss, A lot of stuff going on here. Let me try to pull it all together.... I'm glad you located a few furiends online to share with. Yeah, Furrymap can be hit or miss; it's just a starting point. I'm sorry to hear about your parents. I find that your father's fears about others using his skills to benefit their own businesses is shockingly naive. Of course others in business are going to use him as a tool. That's what businesses do! Capitalism is all about exploiting people for wealth. I don't understand why he thinks he is a special case, but turning to alcoholism is not the answer, and taking it out on you is even more offensive. Then, his anger leaches onto Mom, and then she takes it out on you, too? They need some serious counseling and help. This is not good. I understand your anger and hurt. My father was emotionally abusive. One time, we got in a fight, and I got so angry I literally saw red. I was an inch away from grabbing a hammer and cracking his skull open. Seriously. BUT! I didn't. And that is the difference between sanity and insanity. Just because you entertain these thoughts doesn't mean you will go through with them. Some people have what I call "a bone in your head" that prevents you from going over the edge; other people lack that bone, and those are the ones you see on the 6 o'clock news. A good sign that you won't be on the news is that you express empathy and understanding that what your parents are doing is the result of their not handling stress well. So, what now? Well, my first advice to you is to call Children's and Adults' Protective Services in Lenawee County. You need to find out what your rights and protection options are. Try to give them a call when you are not around your parents so that you can speak openly about what is happening. You need to arm yourself with information. Remember, abuse is not only physical but can be mental and emotional as well. While you are on the phone with them, ask them what services are available not only for you but also for your parents. Take this first step and get back to me as to what you learned. Hugs, Papabear I'm still new to the Furry Fandom and as an adult with autism I never really felt any social connection outside the Internet. After over 10 years of trying, I finally got out of Mom and Dad’s house, but it’s still not complete. The guy I know I am is still locked inside of me and is still being stopped from coming out by them forcing me to take whatever it is they what me to use, what jobs they what me to have, having everything I do monitored, and more. Not caring that this guy is his own man and that makes me feel unsafe. I need to get out; I lost almost all my friends; all my dreams have been killed by them. The only hope I still have is if I could one day wake up as 0% human and 100% something like raccoon. That's the short version. The full would be over 500 pages long.
Lance (age 35) * * * Dear Lance, Congratulations on moving out on your own and starting to take charge of your life. That is a major step and I hope it is working out for you. Because I don’t know the degree of autism you are suffering or your health history, it is difficult for me to offer you advice on this subject. But you sound as though you are eager to take charge of your own destiny. I suggest you start by picking up the phone and talking to a professional in this area at an organization called Autism Speaks. You can find contact information here: https://www.autismspeaks.org/family-services/autism-response-team. Another group you can look into is Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) http://autisticadvocacy.org/about-asan/; here you can educate yourself as to what is being done politically to help those with autism assert their rights and independence. If you feel motivated to do so, you might even try volunteering there, which will definitely help you feel more empowered. I realize you feel as if your parents and others are trying to control your life, but I’m sure that what they are trying to do is protect you and help you because they care about and love you. The best thing you can do is learn more about the organizations listed above, set goals for yourself as to what you wish to do with your life, and make sure that those goals and wishes are communicated to your parents and anyone else involved in your life. Good luck! Hugs, Papabear Hello, Papabear:
I am not sure if you remember me. I wrote to you previously in regards to my issues with depression and self harm and suicide. And thank you, by the way, for answering me so thoroughly. It really meant a lot. Apologies in advance if my letter is at all poorly worded. I am very tired as I write this. But I will do my best to communicate my thoughts. One thing I mentioned in my previous letter was that I do not often express my emotions to others. This is due to my severe trust issues that sourced from crucial moments in my past. Today I would like to talk about this a bit. To put it as simply as possible, my relationship with my parents as a child did not encourage emotional expression. If anything, it punished it. As such, I often feel very alone. Starved for attention, even. However, I find it very difficult to accept the sympathy of others. I think that I would like to be loved, but I would be too uncomfortable to suddenly receive it after such a long time without. My thoughts are a bit too jumbled to put into words at the moment. But I think I am afraid of love. Somehow. It sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? But it's true. Love and being loved are the two most terrifying concepts for me. I guard my emotions so fiercely. It is frightening to imagine allowing someone to know you so personally that way. Having them dedicate a part of their lives to you, and yours to them. If ever I find myself caring deeply about someone, I push them away. Because I cannot handle emotional intimacy. And because I do not want to drag them down with me. Considering my current mental health state. I want to protect them from myself, and myself from the inevitable emotional intimacy. Another part of me has become complacent with my own isolation. Which I do not believe is healthy. Most of the time I eschew personal subjects in conversation and avoid talking about my true emotions. This has all become very natural to me now. To refrain from expressing the emotions I view as weaknesses and disregard them entirely. To be untrusting in order to protect myself. If ever I make a mistake and spill my sorrows to someone, I later become wracked with regret. Wishing I had just kept my mouth shut. So, as I'm sure you can imagine, that intimacy I mentioned earlier is almost nightmarish to me. And yet a part of me craves it. Despite the major negative effect it seems to have on me. From here stems my confusion. I can assume that I am drawn to emotional intimacy due to the lack of it in my childhood. But as a result of that same lack of support I received, emotional intimacy makes me very uncomfortable. It is confusing and saddening to me. That I am somehow unable to accept something that I need most. Truth be told, I think I'm an irredeemable pathetic excuse for a human being. And I don't even think that I deserve to be loved. But love and support seem to be two necessary factors for lessening my suicidal depression. Both of which I am severely lacking. So I am not sure what to do. At all. I do not exactly have any specific question for you, but rather a request for advice. I'm not sure where to begin. Any wisdom you may have would be very welcome. Thanks. Cobalt * * * Dear Cobalt, (Sorry this is late, hon) What you are experiencing is a direct result of the fact that your parents were emotionally distant from you. It is in our infancy and childhood that we develop our ability to bond with others by first bonding with our caregivers (usually parents). When that is not provided for any reason, it is like not being exposed to a language as a child, making it extremely difficult to learn to speak to others as an adult. Once our brains have stopped growing and establishing their synaptic connections, then we are kind of set in our ways, so to speak. Extreme forms of emotional disconnection stemming from childhood are called Reactive Attachment Disorders. This does NOT make you an "irredeemable pathetic excuse for a human being." It makes you a damaged person, but it is NOT your fault any more than it is the fault of someone who lost a leg in an accident or who is blind or deaf. You were not only, apparently, deprived of emotional connections as a child but, indeed, punished for being emotional. Naturally love and friendship and other forms of intimacy freak you out now! You were never taught how to be emotional and how to bond to other human beings. Are you doomed to be like this forever? Well, while it will be a struggle for you, I do believe you can regain some of the emotional attachments and trust that you have lost. The first thing you have to do is rediscover joy in your life. Pursue any little things that bring you happiness, such as music, movies, games, connecting to Nature, adopting a puppy or kitten. In fact, that last one would be a very good thing for you. Although I like kitties, I would recommend a puppy. They form such loving, trusting bonds to their owners that some of that love is bound to rub off on you. You will learn to love the puppy, and that will help reestablish an emotional education for you. Second, if you can, seek out some counseling. Now that you know what you are dealing with, you can seek some guidance in leading you back to an emotional life. Please note that expressing emotions is not a sign of weakness or unmanliness or anything like that. It is the confident person who is unafraid to show how they feel. Third, start keeping a personal journal. In your journal, which you should work on each day, write down what happened to you on that day and then try to express how you felt about each experience. This will help you identify emotions and what triggers them. You see, what we are trying to do here is to reestablish the broken synaptic connections in your mind that, over time, will make it easier and easier to feel again and to recognize what you are feeling. Fourth: exercise. Exercise? What's that got to do with emotions? Nothing about your body works in isolation. Mind and body are one, and a healthy body, a feeling of connection to your body, actually fosters emotional and mental health, as well. Fifth, start putting yourself out there. You are correct that social isolation is not healthy. When you are ready (and don't push yourself), start going out, even if it is by yourself. Go to a baseball game and try to strike up a conversation with a fellow fan; go to a church and say hi to the people sitting in the pews; go to a flea market and talk to the people selling their wares. This way, you can start working on your conversation skills without much worry because, hey, they are just passing acquaintances, so no pressure. Once you start feeling more connected to your emotions again and have worked on the art of conversation a bit, then it's time to look for a more personal interaction. Perhaps it is with a fellow furry, or perhaps someone you meet at a bookstore. Dip your toe in the water, start slowly, and work at your own pace. This will take time, but you can do it. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I have been struggling with various bits of emotional conflict for 13 years now. When I was 6, my mom picked up a guy at the bar. He got in lots of trouble with DUI, theft, drug abuse, illegal gambling and many other crimes. He beat my mom, used her for money and ass. He stole from us to the point that we went bankrupt. Everyone in my family hated this fellow and estranged us as family because Mother wouldn't let him go. In 2011, the hurricane weathers broke a levy up in New York that caused a flood that destroyed our community. We had to stay with one of the few relatives that still liked us while Mom's boyfriend was forced to go to his relatives. In that time, he stole guns for pills. Luckily for us, the guy has was selling to was a narc and he went to prison. Unluckily for me, Mom still loved him and visited him every month for a year. She took him back. I'm a grown man now, sitting here in our new home, still pondering why he continues to be a thing that plagues me and my family to this very day. He hasn't changed a bit. He still gambles, does drugs, doesn't give us money, steals, drinks and manipulates.Why would Mom want that? Why would she ask for this day in and day out? Why do I bother trying to improve her life when she doesn't seem to want things to change for the better? Sorry if this has been long-winded but this has been on my mind for far to long and therapy hasn't helped since I was 14. I just want closure. Feral (19, Pennsylvania) * * * Dear Feral, You’re not the one who needs therapy; your mom does. It’s a legitimate question you ask—why would any woman want to be loyal to a drug-addicted loser criminal? Usually, the reason is that the woman (and this also applies in reverse with a man connected to a loser woman) has low self-esteem and doesn’t think she deserves better, so she will stick with anyone who says that they love her, even if that person is a no-good bum. It is a kind of co-dependent relationship and the same reason why many women stay with a man who physically beats them. There is also the psychological condition in which the woman thinks that her love and loyalty will, somehow, eventually, save the other person. Here is a helpful WikiHow article on how to tell if someone is codependent. The most direct solution to this problem would be for your mother to see a therapist to work on her sense of self-worth so that her eyes will open up and she can see that this guy does not make for a good partner. There are also nonprofit organizations that can help. One of these is Co-Dependents Anonymous International, which has meeting places all over this country, including Pennsylvania. CoDA has also published a book that you might want to check out on Amazon. It’s only eight bucks for the Kindle version. Of course, you can browse online for other similar books, too. Until your mother recognizes she has a problem and does something about it, you won’t be able to get rid of the loser. Here’s the real problem: going up to Mom and saying something like, “Mom, I think you have a codependent relationship problem and maybe you should get some help” will likely not be received very well. You might try a more indirect approach, such as casually talking about the issue of codependency without targeting Mom. Maybe mention you read something interesting on the Internet about it or know someone who is codependent. Perhaps she will see a parallel in the discussion. Then there is always the hope that a new, better guy might come into her life and replace the jerk, but that may be just wishful thinking. At this time, I think I would suggest getting the book on codependency and learning more about it. Perhaps if you understand your mother more it will help you to help her. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I wasn’t really expecting to have to ask for help with this, but as it turns out, my emotions have surprised me, and I find myself in need of some help. As you may or may not know, I’ve recently become a property owner for the first time, aged 23, with a little 1-bedroom house that’s big enough just for a single rodent. And, despite being a bit frightened of total independence to begin with, I’ve actually grown quite excited about having my own place. I’ve already been envisioning ideas of how to redecorate it to be something all my own (well, as much as it can be, given it’s Grade II listed), and also being able to plan life to my own needs. Despite this, part of the reason I’ve had to get a place of my own is because my mum has been trying to sell the family home so she can downsize to something cheaper. The reasons for this are complicated and would need a letter all their own if I even attempted to explain it, so let’s just say this decision is for the greater good. And, less than a week ago, we’ve managed to find someone who’s made an offer for the house. That doesn’t mean its outright sold, but the chances of us officially selling are highly likely. So now, pretty much being given the official word that I’m going to be moving out, a few fears have struck me by surprise. For one thing, there’s the matter of adjusting to my new life in my new home. It might sound rather daft, but I think the thing I’m going to miss most about this house isn’t the memories of what I’ve done here or how big the rooms are, but it’s the layout of this place. I have my little routines attached here, like how when I come home from work, I instantly walk through the kitchen and utility room to my downstairs bedroom/office and check my updates on my tablet, which I usually leave by my bed. And, being autistic, any sort of change often becomes a stressful event, so repetition and sticking to routines is very much a comforter for me in a world where things can become so chaotic and disjointed. With my new home, it’s going to be a whole new routine of how I live my life, and I’m not sure how quickly I’ll be able to adjust to this place. When I went to the USA for my first ever FurCon, I gave myself over a year to book things and mentally prepare myself for the journey. All I’ve been given for adjusting to my new life is 12 weeks! For another thing, I don’t know how I’m going to be able to support mum during the move. This was essentially her dream home, and she’s put her heart and soul into making this place both her home, and her business (we run it as a Bed & Breakfast). So, now that it’s going to be switching hands and that she’s going to have to remove all her belongings and will pretty much be barred from entering this house ever again, this is going to be a big emotional hit for her. She told me from the day she put this house on the market that she was going to cry when the time came that she’d move out, and I really don’t know how I’m going to be able to comfort her when that day comes. It always hurts me deep when I see her in pain, and again, 12 weeks isn’t long for me to prepare myself for this! I should probably make it clear that this isn’t the first time either of us have moved. We moved to this place some 14 years ago, essentially moving countries in the process (England to Wales) to start anew. However, in those 14 years, in one way or another, we both have grown attached to this place. I have with my routines and habits, and mum has put her heart and soul into making it hers. And, now that those attachments we’ve grown are going to be broken, I’m not sure how either of us are going to be able to cope. Sorry for making this somewhat two questions in one (I know you have your “One Question per Letter” rule), but I guess what I’m asking in general is how can I be able to cope with this move, both dealing with my own stress and my mother’s? Thank you for taking the time to read my letter, Papa Bear! Hugs, Charleston * * * Dear Charleston, Well, yes, in a sense this is more than one question, but they really are all related; they are all about the attachment to things. Buddhism teaches us that the attachment to things is the source of pain, and this is very true. I’m familiar with what you and your mother are going through. I’ve moved several times after being attached to homes and it can be gut-wrenching. The move from my 1865 brick Michigan home to a kind of crappy apartment in Palm Springs was a huge hit on my heart. The Michigan home was a place I loved and the last place my wife and I lived together, as well as where my beloved dog Keisha spent her life and died. Moving to California was very much like moving to another country; it is culturally extremely different from the Midwest. I remember moving my stuff into the apartment. It was October, and a flight of Canada geese flew overhead, just like in Michigan, and I wept with homesickness. But I got over it. And now I love my new home and have absolutely NO desire to return to Michigan, believe me. Humans love the familiar because it is comforting. Familiar surroundings and routines give us a base of stability in a chaotic world. Big life changes like the one you are going through, too, are especially challenging when you are autistic. Let’s address you first, and your new little house. The first thing I would suggest is to try and transfer as many familiar things to your new home as possible. Also, try and arrange it as close as possible to how you have it in your current home. The more familiar objects in your house the better. Right now, I bet, when you looked at the new house and decided to buy it, it didn’t look anything like your house now, and this might have made you a little anxious. Try to imagine it with your stuff in it. Picture this every day until you move there. Figuring out exactly where to put chairs, photographs, tchotchkes, and so on. You might try taking a paper and pencil, drawing out the floor plan, and writing in where you want things. A good mental exercise that could calm you. Keep in mind not only the objects, but also the paths they create when you walk between them. Try to make these paths similar to the current ones (although the multiple floor pathway is not an option). It won’t be exactly the same, of course. But you can make it similar. Paint the walls a similar color. Even put in light fixtures and light switch plates that match the current home. As for your mother, I’m guessing she is doing this move for financial reasons? Or perhaps the current home is just getting too much to maintain. Remind her, please, that the house is a home not because of its walls and windows and doors but because of who lives there. I’m reading between the lines here, but is this may be more about your moving out and her being alone than the house itself? I’m not sure where your and your mom’s new homes are, but hopefully they are not too far apart that you can’t visit her. I know you are concerned about your mom and being there for her, so try to be there for her. During the move and soon after, you should visit often, but over time it would be healthier to gradually make the visits a little less often. Let her transition into this new phase of life slowly as you transition into yours. For both you and your mom, focus on the positive aspects of this new phase in your lives. For you, this will be more independence and more self-confidence; for her, it will hopefully be less stress and a more peaceful, simpler life. Also, keep in mind you still have each other in your lives; that won’t change. Life is about change. Change can be scary and nerve-wracking, but eventually we adjust to the new circumstances, which will, hopefully, make us stronger. Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
You may know me from a previous letter (I had asked you how to prepare for MFF) and I apologize for writing again so soon. The length of this letter is also kinda insane, but it takes a bit of explaining. Right after said convention I was diagnosed with major depression (and what we believe to be chronic depression because my grandfather also has it, but that is to be proved later if this persists for over a year). I had a therapist who I didn't like, but my mother refused to change. Because this was during the school year, I wasn't sleeping well and I missed the bus a lot of days. My therapist told me I was just being defiant and I was just being lazy. She told me I couldn't sleep because I wasn't trying hard enough. I asked my mother to change my therapist several times, but she didn't listen. My mother thought that I was just in denial of the truth. This persisted onto January, to the point where I was suicidal and self-harming. Around Easter, I told my mom I needed more help, and she got me evaluated at a local mental hospital. They wanted to do inpatient therapy because I did have a plan, but we decided to do a partial day program instead because I had already missed too much school. I was probably the happiest during the period where I was in this day program. I related to other kids who were also struggling. We all kinda came together to support each other without stressing each other out. I was doing better, but I was most definitely still depressed. It was also around then I began questioning gender identity. I don't want to draw any conclusions (I'm only 13!), but I would just prefer to be called they/them while I figure things out. I told my mom this, and she said it was a teenage phase and I was just trying to be a special snowflake. She seemed to overlook the fact that I legitimately hated my body. Not because of weight, but because I'm too curvy and too feminine looking. I don't like long hair, I've always wanted a lower voice, and she/her pronouns irk me. I know I shouldn't have been so hurt by it, but it wasn't like I was actively binding my chest. I just wanted to be called they/them pronouns while I tried to figure out what was going on. Four weeks of being in the day program later, and I was discharged. I kept fighting to stay in and kept telling everyone that I wasn't ready yet, I hadn't learned enough of the coping skills, but my mom said I needed to hurry up and leave because she didn't want to drive me there anymore. So here I am, starting therapy again (with a new therapist at the least) and trying to survive. It's been three weeks since I've left the program and it only seems like I've backslid more. I've stopped self-harming as much, but I still do occasionally, and most days I sit in bed and think of how better everyone else would be without me and other self-degrading things. I usually tell my mom I'm drawing and talking to friends on my phone, and she believes it. This is where my problem comes in: My mom makes suicide jokes, makes fun of me for wanting to be called they/them pronouns, and instead of calling me depressed, likes to call me "crazy". I'll give an example for each. Say the car is really hot, my sister says (jokingly) she's going to jump out of the window if my mom doesn't turn the air on. My mother says "wow you must REALLY hate yourself if you're gonna do that!!" If my mom is talking about my therapy, she'll say she's tired of driving me everywhere and something along the lines of "If you didn't start acting all crazy I wouldn't have to take you." And finally, just general comments like "how many people are you if you're a they??" "see, if you have boobs that means you're a girl." She ignores how much I actually hate myself and how much I'm actually struggling and it makes me really uncomfortable every time she says stuff like this. I've told her several times to just use the word depressed and not crazy, but she hasn't listened. If you have any advice on how to tell her how uncomfortable this makes me, or how to cope with it in the meantime, it would be much appreciated. Thanks again, Ioga (age 13) * * * Hi, Ioga, Troubled letters such as yours always go to the top of the pile, so here we are. Sounds like you're dealing with two things: 1) Gender dysphoria (the feeling that your body doesn't match who you are inside), and 2) Lack of a support system (either professional or personal). One or the other is bad enough, but combine the two and I can see how you would be in a lot of distress and pain (hugs to you). Let's tackle #2 first. There are good and bad therapists. Clearly, the first one you had was abysmal. Then you had a bit of a halcyon period at the hospital. That sounds like it was a good environment, but your mother wouldn't let you stay. Your mom continues to insult you and act as if you are more of a burden than someone she loves unconditionally. I would guess (correct me if I am wrong) that she gave birth to you at a young age (perhaps as a teen) and that, in addition, her own mother (your grandmother) was not a great mom. Consequently, she herself never learned to be a good mother. Another possibility is that she was not socialized well as a baby (for example, if she was neglected by your grandparents, this can be very damaging to emotional health) and she consequently lacks empathy for her own child. A third possibility is that she has a substance abuse problem that makes her unpleasant. Therefore, when you ask me for advice on how to approach your mother and tell her she makes you uncomfortable, I have to respond that there probably is no good way because your mom lacks empathy. Whether you tell her frankly or with more subtlety, she's not going to get it. In fact, confronting her could exacerbate the problem, making her feel like you are even more crazy (e.g., "There's nothing wrong with me, it's just that my daughter is nuts.") In other words, I would say your mother needs psychological help just as much as you do, perhaps more. I would suggest you talk about all this with your new therapist and ask for their advice on what to do with your unsupportive mother. One possibility is to have both of you attend a therapy session together. This can be an awesome way of airing out any bad feelings between the two of you. In asking your mother to come with you to a session (after arranging it with the therapist), don't say, "because you need help, too." Just say that your therapist would like your mom to sit in for one or two talks. As for #1, perhaps we should hold off on that for a while until you get through puberty. You, wisely, note this yourself. Again, your identity issues are fodder for your therapist. This can be a process that lasts for years before you figure it all out. In the meantime, you still need to find some personal support. Do you have friends you can talk to? Perhaps in the furry community? Or, do you have other relatives who might prove to be more sympathetic and willing to lend an ear? You need to find someone besides your mom and a paid therapist that you can talk to, even get some hugs. I hope this is helpful. If you wish to talk more about this with me, that's what I'm here for. Bear Hugs, Papabear Hello,
I am 37 years old, married with two sons. I am having a big problem in my life, which has to do with my aunt (father's sister), who is 48 years old now. I have loved her since I was 19 years old, and she was 30 years old, and I told her about my love and that I am sexually attracted to her. Actually, she refused that, but I kept trying to get her by my side as I am really crazy about her but she kept refusing, telling me maybe if we were not relatives she would be my woman. Eight years ago, I got married, and now I have two sons but still love my aunt and getting crazy about her every day. Two years ago, I tried the same with her and she refused as well, but despite all refusals and asking me to let it go I couldn’t do what she wanted as she never closed the door completely, giving me every time a far-away possibility. My aunt married before me and now she is divorced but I never stopped loving her. Please tell me what to do. Fox (age 37) * * * Dear Fox, Thank you for your letter. So, to be clear, you think your aunt has feelings for you? But she refuses your love because you're related? Is that it? Papabear * * * Dear Papabear, Thanks for your reply. Yes, that is what I think. Regards, Fox * * * Hi, Fox, All right, there are a number of factors to consider here. One is this: do you love her more than your wife? Enough to divorce your wife and marry your aunt? Also, have you considered how this would affect your children? There are at least five people (more, if your aunt has kids, too) who will be directly affected by what goes on between you and your aunt, even though she is divorced, and you need to take that into consideration. It might be true that your aunt has some interest in you, but how much? Perhaps she is sexually attracted to you, as you are to her, but not so much for her to feel it is worthwhile to cause the scandal in the family of you two getting together. Just because you have some feelings for someone doesn’t mean you should pursue it. She is probably considering a couple things: 1) your age difference (although 11 years isn’t that big a deal once you are in your age range), and 2) how this will affect the family. While you might be reading some sexual heat between the two of you—and it might actually exist—it doesn’t mean that it is worth all the pain such a relationship would cause. Your aunt has already dismissed the possibility of a relationship, which is significant. If she doesn’t want to pursue it, forcing yourself on her would be wrong and selfish on your part. But what, you might be thinking, if she is hiding a secret, passionate love for you and is just afraid? Well, sir, the only way you can find that out is to ask her. Speculation will get you nowhere. If you can have a sincere, honest conversation with your aunt and you discover that she really, truly loves you; and if you both decide that it is worth it to break up your family and cause a lot of emotional pain for your wife and your children, then who am I to say no? I had a letter once that was similar to this in which a young man was in love with his aunt. That one was much simpler, though, because even though there was the social stigma involved, neither the young man nor his aunt had a spouse or children. They didn’t have other love interests or people they would hurt, so the only thing that was really “wrong” with the situation was that it was social anathema. In your situation, you have a lot of people you will be affecting if you pursue this. The question is whether you love your wife or not, and the other question is whether your aunt loves you deeply in that way or if her apparent keeping the door slightly open is just because she has a bit of sexual interest in you. If this is just a sex thing, then it would be, of course, wrong of both of you to pursue it. But if there are some real and true feelings of love (not lust), then you need to make absolutely sure she feels the same way and also be absolutely sure you are willing to pay the price for her. Talk to your aunt. Get it all out in the open once and for all. Only then can you make the right decision. Hugs, Papabear Hi, Papabear.
You see, I always had a very bad relationship with my father. When I was a kid, he wasn't very present. Then, when I became a teenager, things took a turn for the worse. He discovered that I hate being touched, so he started poking me with his fingers, often while doing sounds with his mouth or making them run on my bare skin. I told him on multiple times that I hate it very politely and seriously, but he usually tries to justify his actions, or say that I am humiliating him, turning himself into a victim. He also makes fun of my English, while his is fucking shit. He also makes fun of me for liking anime, calling it stupid, and he says that it's always the same thing. Yeah sure, even if he never actually watched one, nor would it matter because my DVDs are all in English/Japanese only. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfiPsidO8ok https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oP2Pt6m3yKU https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yn7U1KIGeuQ He also starts arguments for absolutely no freaking reason. I discovered what an emotional masochist is by your column. And he fits the bill perfectly. He doesn't stop being nice with his employees, even if they show a lot of disrespect towards him, while doing everything possible to alienate me and my mom (he once decided to throw away all her Halloween stuff because he apparently needed space). Look, my father had a lot difficulties in school, while my aunt and my uncle were very good and are very successful business people today. Not only that, but my grandfather never showed any appreciation towards him, and from what I heard, told him on multiple times that he is an idiot . And let's say that his company (that he co-owns with my mom) doesn't work very well. Finally, it's also almost sure that he has Asperger's syndrome like I do. Look, he needs to see a therapist. But I don't know how to tell him. I'm pretty sure he's gonna say that what I'm saying is nonsense, or that he doesn't have time for therapy. Also, I realized recently that what he did to me was harassment and abuse. I almost feel like telling him that if he doesn't stop, I'm gonna leave the house and never see him again. How should I approach the subject with him? And how should I convince him to see a therapist? Lord Ikari (18; Quebec) * * * Hi, Lord Ikari, Question about your letter: is moving out an option? Would you be able to leave and support yourself if you had to? Papabear * * * I doubt so. But I have a part time job (around 360$ US a month without overtime and if they don't have groups, which often happens), so I guess I could try to find a cheap apartment with some roommates or a room until I graduate high school. Then, I could do a formation to become a nursing assistant. It's seven months long, and professionals told me I could get a job pretty easily, either as a part-timer or as a full-timer, because there is not a lot of bilingual guys who want to do this job. When you start, the salary is around 19.10 $ CAN (around 14.45 US) and let's say that I have some qualities that you need when doing this job (I don't get attached to people easily, I don't mind touching body fluids, and I can be pretty friendly) and I enjoyed helping people back when I was doing volunteer work. There, I could decide whether I keep this job, do a formation to become a licensed practical nurse, or continue my study to become a history teacher. Both jobs interest me, but appeal to different sides of me. * * * Hi, Ikari, It sounds like your father was emotionally abusing you, which would have given you a legal case for protection from him under the Youth Protection Act in Quebec. The thing is, you are now 18 and no longer considered a minor under the law. You might consider suing for psychological injuries, but I don’t think you want to go there and, too, while his treatment of you was unpleasant you don’t seem to be suffering any serious psychological damage (your Asperger’s is not the result of his mental abuse). I am concerned, though, about your passing phrase indicating that he was touching “bare skin,” which makes me wonder if anything he did was sexual abuse? If so, again, that might be a case for legal action. I would also not bother to advise dad that he should get help, since he doesn’t seem to want to acknowledge this and your pushing him to do so would likely only add to the tension between the two of you. The good news is that, at your age, you are getting ready to move on with your life, removing yourself from his influence. I would agree with the person who advised you that nursing would be an excellent option for several reasons: there is high demand for it; it can pay very well; and you also have an interest in the profession. While teaching history could have many personal rewards for you, it would be much harder to find work in that area and it wouldn’t pay as well. If you are equally interested in both, then the smart, more practical and beneficial move for you would be to pursue nursing. I don’t know what the case is in Canada, but it can be hard to get into nursing school in the U.S. because there are not many openings. In fact, it’s actually easier to get into medical school to become a doctor, so long as you can afford it. But if you can get into a Canadian school for nursing, that would be optimal and I highly encourage you to do so. Once you get established with a good job, you will be free of standing under your father’s shadow. At that point, if you wish to try and help him, you can try to nudge him toward therapy while not having to pay an emotional price if he resists you. That’s something you can’t do right now, so I would not pursue it at this time. I hope that all makes sense, and wish you good luck in your educational and career pursuits!!! Hugs, Papabear |
Categories
All
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
|